The pain was horrific, indescribable. I’d had no information from the hospital so no idea what to expect. Didn’t seem odd – I assumed what was being done was nothing to worry about.
When “biopsy” was mentioned, alarm bells rang. I’d had one years earlier and never forgotten it, it was awful. I asked about pain but was reassured by the hysteroscopist over and over again, so I went ahead. I had injections into my cervix. It was agony. I thought, well (a bit like at the dentists’), that’ll be the worst of the pain over and worth it to make the rest of the procedure painless. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Devices were pushed through my cervix, then fluid flowed into my uterus. This was incredibly painful, I didn’t think it could get any worse but then biopsies were taken. I could literally feel my insides being cut away with absolutely no pain relief. All of this took a long time to do. I was trying as hard as I could not to scream. The nurse next to my head just started chattering at speed, talking rubbish really. Found out later this was my anaesthetic – the “vocal local”.
The pain made me feel sick, I managed to get the words out and I was brought a tiny, shallow bowl. In the back of my mind I was thinking, if I vomit all over my shirt, I have to get home like that! I had come on public transport, as I had no idea of this was going to be done to me. I was close to blacking out. A familiar feeling as all my life I’ve had severe period pain that did the same – except this pain was many times worse.
It seemed to go on and on. I was panicking. Kept thinking, if I tell them to stop, I’ll have to come back and have this done all over again and I know I can’t endure that. I need to know whether I might have cancer, I have no choice but to suppress my screams and carry on. Compare it to part of your body held over a flame. How long could you endure that? That’s just how I felt.
Eventually it ended. My legs were like jelly, I felt dizzy. No one cared. I was struggling to comprehend, if there should be NO pain, why was no one worried by how I reacted? Eventually managed to get to my feel and hobble to a side room to get dressed. Told there were sanitary pads (hadn’t brought anything but thin liners as I had no idea!) it didn’t even have adhesive. I now had to get home on public transport terrified I’d bleed through my clothes. I cannot describe how violated I felt. Eventually got dressed and out of the clinic I could hardly walk. It took me a long time to get home and I fought back tears all the way. I have had flashbacks ever since. In telling my GP, I was so upset she suspects I have PTSD.
To be able to look at the uterus is a good tool but was shocked at how it was done. Throughout I struggled to believe what was happening to me. I kept thinking this CAN'T get any worse and then it did. Much later I found out about guidance that RCOG have published about this procedure. I know I was never a candidate for having this done in outpatients. The staff must have known that. I was conned and left with long-term damage as a result. I have read other women saying they now cannot even return for cervical screening. I haven’t had to yet, but will see when the time comes. I hope I am feeling stronger by then. I can't see me EVER going back to the same hospital unit though, no matter what.
