I tried to take my life five years ago. Now I'm grateful to be alive

Summary

In this blog for the Guardian, a well respected surgeon tells of the time they were admitted to the intensive care unit of the hospital where they worked following a suicide attempt. The surgeon explains how depression is a lot more common in medicine than realised but how it is still stigmatised, even within the medical profession.

Many medical staff often display signs of depression differently to others and keep working right up until they break; work brings comfort from the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Very few have the opportunity to attend counselling, since this would require taking time off work. 

"I would be smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside was a continuous mantra of self-loathing that kept getting louder. I pushed myself harder, took extra shifts, tried to put my head down and just get through it. One day, I had had enough. The pain had become physical as well as mental, and the idea of having to live any longer was unbearable."